


A moment to make, A moment to break

by EndearingFond



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Accidents, Anger, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Its totally angst and nothing else, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of miscarriage, Self-Blame, Uhh idk what else to tag, louis is hurt, nothing major, teeny tiny bit - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 14:41:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8331673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndearingFond/pseuds/EndearingFond
Summary: Amidst all the whirlwind in life, all it takes is a moment to end all the happiness.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. 
> 
> So, i had this fic idead for a few days anf I wanted to put forth to you guys. It might have medical inaccuracies. 
> 
> The character portrayal is not how I view the characters in real life, its just plain fiction. 
> 
> So yeah. I hope u like it. Just give it a read?
> 
> P. S- i haven't edited it yet. Just posted it the way it was. So please ignore any grammatical or spelling errors.

**May 17, 2016**.

"I am sorry. We couldn't save your baby"

******

8 words and 29 letters was all it took for Harry and Louis to encounter their worst nightmare. They lost their first chance to being a family. They probably lost their only chance to be a family and It was all Louis' fault. Well, that's what Harry says.

It has been a month since the accident, since Scarlett, their surrogate met with an accident. One month since they lost their child. Their angel. Louis still remembers all the plannings that that did, how they went out of their wah to ensure the best for their coming new-born. How Harry would be so excited to point out and buy all the nautical themed clothes because he likes them a bit more. Louis still remembers how they planned everything for their little angel. But now, its gone and Louis is the one responsible for it.

Louis and Harry have been married for around four years now and after a few months of extensive thinking and research, they finally decided to expand their family and that's when they met Scarlett, Harry's colleague who was more than eager to surrogate for them. Louis was happy. Harry was ecstatic. It was supposed to be a happy memory for them but now when they think about it, it haunts them.

While Harry insisted that it should be Louis who should be the biological father, Louis insisted the opposite and after a few hours of quarreling and a few things thrown here and there, it was decided that it would be Harry. Louis couldn't hold back his excitement to see his, rather their child with emerald orbs and dark brown curls.

And now today, after a month the doctor broke the news that they lost their daughter, Louis was hunched up on the window, his knees brought up close to his chest, rocking himself back and forth.

"It was my fault. It was my fault. It was fault fault", Louis kept chanting to himself, teardrops gliding down his cheeks, no one but the darkness engulfing him.

Harry wasn't there to hold him. He didn't even deserve to be held. But it hurt, it hurts to know that Harry hated him, hated him to such an extent that seeing Louis' face was enough for him to curse his entire existence out.

Louis doesn't even eat now, doesn't even care. It's better if he dies, he deserves to. After all, it was him who was responsible for killing their child. If only Louis was not that insecure about their surrogate,if only Louis didn't lash out on her when he found her lurking around Harry while Harry kept cooing at her bump. If only Louis could keep his jealousy at check, they wouldn't have had to lose their daughter, their angel. That night when he lashed out on her and made her leave the house, he wish he could take it back.

Scarlett would not have met with an accident then, the excessive blood loss wouldn't have made them lose their sliver of hope. It would have been okay, if only Louis could keep himself together. But he couldn't.

*********

Another day passed by and Harry still hasn't returned home after yesterday. Louis isn't surprised though. Harry comes back once in a while either drunk or doesn't pay any attention to Louis. He just goes straight to the guest room and slams the door shut.

*********

Presently, Louis was sat inside the nursery rocking himself back and forth, murmuring a constant "its my fault, please come back" to himself while desperately wanting Harry to hold him close and whisper that its going to be okay and that it was not his fault and just an accident.

But...

"Shut up for god's sake. Shut up.", Harry was back home and screaming.. "Shut up with your incessant murmuring. I am tired, you piece of shit. I am tired of you. I am tired of listening to you. I am tired of even seeing. Why can't you just leave me alone?" and even though Harry was drunk he knew what he said and he knew he crossed the line but he couldn't stop himself. He kept going.

"Stop with your sorry ass, will you? Just go somewhere and stop pestering me. Just.. I wish i didn't have to see you again. _**I wish it was you I lost rather than my ange**_ l" and what the hell was Harry saying? He risked a moment to look at Louis and he knew he killed him. He was a murderer. He killed the only person who meant the world to him.

Louis sat there still. Not crying anymore, just looking into the void as if he really wanted to make every single word true. But Harry didn't mean any of it, none of it. It was just his anger speaking and he wish Louis knew that and was not planning on acting upon his words.

But Harry still didn't stop.

"Harry.. "

and Louis' call for Harry somehow ended up triggering him more to hurt Louis, to make him feel the pain that he was feeling even though he knew that Louis was far more in pain than he was.

" What Harry? I told you to shut up, didn't I? God, why don't you understand that i don't want to listen to that irritating and awful voice of yours, Louis. Just shut it.", Harry was breathing heavily and his nostrils flaring in the built up anger. He let all of it pent up and he wanted to let it go all in a day.

"I lost my child, you moron. All because of you and your insecure self" and Louis wanted to scream out to Harry that she was his child as well but he couldn't because he knew that Harry was right and that it was all his fault.

"I hate you. I hate you so much, Louis William Tomlinson. So much that I wish i never met you. God, I would have been better off when Scarlett actually asked me out. I should have just agreed to it and let you go. At least i still would have had my daughter with myself. ", Harry knew that it was the alcohol speaking and that he would give anything to turn the time back and take away all the words that escaped his mouth.

"Just, go away." was the last words that Harry said before slamming the door if the nursery leaving behind a torn and broken Louis fending for himself.

And Louis wanted to run away and never look back, he wanted to give Harry the happiness that he deserves but will never get if Louis was there. But instead, he just let sleep overcome his senses.

*******

Next morning Harry woke up with a headache and an even worse conscience when the last night's happenings came barreling in.

What did Harry do? Louis was already so torn off and Harry just made it a thousand times worse. He just couldn't believe that he did it. He couldn't even think of undoing it because the damage was already done.

With fear crawling within himself, Harry rushed to check if Louis was alright. Creaking the nursery door open, Harry found a peaceful looking Louis sleeping on the floor, all curled upon himself, shivering in cold. Harry fell onto his knees beside Louis and all he wanted to do was scoop the small boy up in his arms and never let him go. Instead, he cried, muffling his sobs into the palm of his hands.

Louis looked so sick. His face was dull and pale. There were dark circles encircling his eyes and it definitely looked like he hasn't ate for days. But Harry didn't see it because he was so consumed in his hatred that he couldn't see the fact that his husband was dying, piece by piece.

Leaving the room, Harry went and called Niall. He had to leave. He had to leave before he makes the situation any worse.

"Harry. You okay?" was the first thing that came out of Niall's mouth.

"I need to leave, Niall. I can't do this anymore. ", Harry responded back.

" What do you mean by you can't do this anymore? What happened, Haz? Talk to me" Niall's worried tone came through the speaker.

"I broke him, Niall. My Louis. I broke him. I-I just took his soul out of his body and crushed it whole. I hate myself, Niall. I-I can't believe I did that to him. You should have seen his face yesterday. He looked so small and all that he wanted was to escape from my harsh words but i j-just kept going on. " Harry kept rambling to Niall.

" What do you want to do now, then?", Niall asked tentatively.

"I want to leave, Niall. I can't stand to break and destroy Louis anymore than I already have. It happened yesterday, and It'll happen again and I don't want to repeat yesterday. You should have seen his face, Niall. He begged for me to stop accusing him, his eyes begged me to just hold him and kiss away the pain but all I did was keep kicking his soul and heart. I BROKE LOUIS, NIALL. I DESTROYED MY SMALL BALL OF SUNSHINE, MY HAPPINESS. I need to get out of here. Just, come here and take care of him, okay? I can't leave him alone, Niall. He'll end up doing something, i don't trust him alone. Just, keep him safe and give him the assurance that I never can", and Niall just muttered an 'okay' from the other side of the receiver.

********

"I am leaving"..

It was half past nine and Harry had arranged all the breakfast and he and Louis were sat at the dinner table ready to indulge themselves in the most important meal of their day.

And even if the Louis was hungry, his appetite was soon gone after he heard what Harry said. So that was it? It was how it was going to end?

"When?", Louis' voice was barely even a whisper.

"After breakfast. Niall is gonna come around. Just take care, okay? I don't know when I'll be back or if-"

and Louis knew what Harry was about to say and he didn't want to hear any of it, to hear that Harry was never going to return.

"okay" was all came out of Louis' mouth before he rushed back into the nursery slamming the door shut.

********

Niall came around just before Harry was about to leave. They hugged and Niall assured that he was going to take good care of Louis. Harry knew he could trust Niall more than himself around Louis, especially now.

So he picked his bag up and left.

********

Louis was a mess, there was nothing that could control him, all he did was scream and thrash things around and when he wasn't doing that, he cried. He almost once hit Niall when Niall came forward to envelope him in his arms and reassure him that it would be okay.

Nothing was enough. He needed Harry. He needed his safe place. He needed his Home. Louis needed his anchor to keep him strong.

But Harry wasn't there. Louis was alone.

*******

"I can't do this anymore, Harry. Please just.. Just come back. I can't do this anymore. ", presently Louis was in the nursery and Niall was frantically pacing along the corridor because this was the first time that Louis had locked himself in the room.

Without any other way out Niall dialled Harry's number.

" Hello" Harry picked up after the third ring and the anxiety etched to his voice was easily understandable.

"Harry.. I don't know what to do, Harry. Lou-Louis has locked himself in the room and I can't get him to open the door. I AM SCARED, HARRY. JUST COME BACK FAST.", Niall kept frantically rambling into the speaker.

and just half an hour later, Harry parked his car and rushed to his distressed husband.

"Where is he, Niall?", was Harry's first question when Niall opened the door.

Harry rushed to the nursery when Niall pointed out the room Louis was in. Harry could listen to the silent screams and the muffled sobs from the other side of the door and relief washed over him knowing the fact that Louis was still there, very much alive.

"Lou", Harry called out.

"Louis. Baby. It's me. Can you hear me?", Harry kept calling out when he didn't receive any reply in return.

And suddenly the door was opened wide and a small mass plunged itself into Harry's arms, pushing their face to the crook of Harry's neck and wrapped their dangling legs around Harry's waist.

It was Louis. He didn't weigh anything. He was light as a feather and Harry wanted the ground to swallow him whole because he was reason Louis had deteriorated to this.

"Harry. Harry. Please don't leave me alone, Please Harry. I'll stay in the corner of the house, I'll not come in your way but please don't leave me alone. I can't face it alone. I need you, Harry. I need you.", and Harry didn't say a single word in reply to Louis. Not even a word came out of his mouth.

"Lets get you to bed, okay? You need some rest, Louis. Just.. Just let's sleep", Harry carried Louis to their room and laid him down on the bed, carefully stroking the hair out of his face.

"Please.. Stay", Harry was not sure if Louis meant now or forever but he could at least stay for the time being. Louis deserves that.

*******

Next morning, Louis woke up to sounds of hushed voices and the beaming sunlight falling on his face.

Niall and Harry-.. Wait.. Harry was here? He was actually here? So, Louis was not dreaming?  
Just when Louis' excitement knew no bounds and he was about to run into Harry's arms, he heard something and he wish he didn't hear it ever.

" _ **I am going, Niall. I can't do this anymore. Don't call me again**_ ".. and Harry was gone. Again..

********

It has been a month since Louis last saw Harry. Louis has become used to feeling numb. He has become used to feeling worthless. He has become used to feeling nothing.

All Louis wanted in his lifetime was to see Harry happy and Harry was far from it and all because of him and he had to set to right, so he did the first thing that his brain suggested. He talked to his lawyer to ready the paper works for a mutual divorce. He couldn't hold back Harry. Harry deserves to be free. Harry deserves to not be bound to someone like Louis, a liability of sorts.

After sorting everything out, Louis wrote a letter to Harry and set the papers on the table along with the letter and left in the dark hours of the night when he knew Niall won't be there to question him.

He left everything behind and he left.

********

"Mr. Tomlinson?", it was almost three in the morning and Harry was brought out of his slumber due to the phone call of this strange person on the other side.

"Yes. Who is it?", Harry asked.

"I am calling from the Healthcare Hospital and we need you to come right this instant. It's about your husband. He was in a car accident and you were the immediate contact".

All the life was drawn out of Harry when he heard the word 'accident' and 'husband' in the same sentence. Grabbing his keys, Harry rushed out to the hospital calling Niall in the process.

*******

"H-Hi, I am here for my husband, Louis. Louis Tomlinson.", Harry mumbled out to the one in the enquiry.

"Yes, sir. He is in the ICU at the moment. Just take the stairs and the first room to the right", the lady instructed.

Upon reaching the room, Harry found Niall already pacing through the entirety of the corridor.

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING, NIALL? I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU TO TAKE CARE OF HIM AND HE ENDED UP IN A HOSPITAL, NIALL. A HOSPITAL. ", Harry was furious yet completely shattered.

" I was sleeping, Harry. It was almost after midnight when it happened. I didn't realize Louis would do something like that", Niall's voice was coated in guilt and Harry cursed himself again because it was no one's but his fault.

"I am sorry", Harry mumbled quietly.

"It's okay, Haz.",Niall kept reassuring Harry while gently stroking his back.

"I'll lose him too, Niall. I'll lose him too.", Harry kept weeping like a small baby while Niall just help him close whispering that it was gonna be okay.

******

"He isn't responding to the treatment, Harry. We need to keep him under observation. The blood loss was pretty bad and there has been several Internal injuries, just pray for him and stay strong", Dr. Payne said after Harry kept bombarding him with questions regarding Louis' well being.

" _ **I wish it was you I lost rather than my angel"**_

What did Harry do? He didn't mean any of it. He didn't mean for the words to escape his lips for fucks sake but now Louis was here, lying on the hospital bed, fighting for his life and Harry didn't know if he would make it.

And Louis almost didn't..

"We are losing our patient. Just increase the drip and CHARGE! ", Dr. Payne instructed his team.

Harry was on the other side of the glass door, praying to God for a last chance to make it right, a last chance to hold his husband, alive.

*****

Finally, when after hours of heaving chest with the electrical impulse, Louis was out of the critical condition. He was responding to the treatment and Harry finally breathed a sigh of relief.

Louis still wasn't awake though, the doctor informed that he was in an induced coma to help him recover from his injuries. So Harry had to wait.

*******

It has been fifteen days since the accident and Louis still wasn't awake and Harry decided to go back Home and clean himself up and visit Louis again while Niall stayed for the time being.

Parking in the familiar area seemed surreal, it has almost been over a month and half that Harry visited his and Louis' home.

The door clicked open and Harry stepped inside to emptiness and a hollow environment. He decided to take a shower first and then again visit the hospital after changing his clothes.

As planned, Harry took a shower and wore a fresh pair of shirt and jeans and was ready to face yet another day with anticipation of Louis waking up.

Just as he was about to cross the living room, the scattered papers caught his attention. He strode over to the table to examine the contents. With shaking hands, Harry opened the envelope. Divorce papers. There was a forming lump in his throat and he wanted to scream but he couldn't. Instead, he opened the paper addressed to him.

" _ **Harry,**_

_**I don't know where I'll be when you get this. I wish I am somewhere very far from you and that you are happy and content with your life. I am sorry for the mess that i made Harry. I didn't mean to but well, it happened, didn't it? I am so pissed at myself for holding you down because you deserve so much, Harry. You deserve to smile and never be sad. You deserve to be held and never let down. I am leaving, Harry. I hope you get what you truly deserve. I am sorry for ever being in your life. I wish i could end it once and for all but I can't, Harry. I am such a coward who can't even commit to take my own life away. I am sorry.** _

_**I didn't mean for Angel to leave us, Harry. I loved her so much even when I didn't know how she looked. Please don't say she wasn't my child too, because she was. I wish I could rewind the time and never let it happen. I wish I was never there in the first place. I AM SORRY, HARRY. BUT PLEASE, FIND YOUR HOME IN SOMEONE WHO DESERVES YOU. Find love in someone who would hold you up and make you smile. Find someone that's not me.** _

_**I love you, Harry. Always have, Always will.**_ "

Harry stood there, transfixed until the shrill sound of the ringtone broke his trance.

"He's awake, Harry".

and Harry ran. He ran the entire distance from the house to the hospital.

********

Breathing heavily, Harry went to Louis' room, his breathing still erratic.

"Louis"

"Har-"

Harry didn't even let Louis complete his name before he rushed to Louis and just held him in his arms, there heartbeats in sync.

"I am sorry, Harry." and Harry was confused why Louis was apologizing when it should be the other way around .. "I am sorry you had to see me again, Harry. I AM SORRY I DIDN'T DIE" and if words could kill, Harry died a thousand deaths right that instant.

 _ **"I wish it was you I lost rather than my Angel**_."

Harry just held Louis close and kept mumbling 'sorrys' and 'i am glad you didn't die'.

Louis was so exhausted from the treatment that he didn't even realize when sleep overtook his senses. He fell asleep in Harry's arms after a month and a half and it still felt like being safe, being Home.

*******

Waking up in Harry's arms has always been Louis' favourite but now it scares him, scares him that when Harry decides to leave, he won't be able to hold himself together anymore.

"Hey, baby. Sleep well?", Harry was over cautious with his words because he didn't want to scare Louis away.

Louis simply nodded.

"It's the same hospital.",Louis whispered and Harry didn't have to be told twice to know that Louis talking about the night they lost their daughter.

"I know", Harry replied.

"You can go home, Harry. I am fine now. Just go home.", Harry knew that Louis was trying to push him away.

"I am sorry, Harry. I am sorry you had to lose your daughter. I am sorry I was the reason it happened. But trust me Harry, i didn't mean for it to happen. I couldn't even hold her, couldn't even tell her how much I lover her, Harry. I couldn't even see if she had the curls like yours or that delicate features that you have. Just a moment ago it was good, just a moment later I lost it all. We lost it all. ", Louis' words came out in hiccups and chokes.

Harry just pulled Louis to him, closer to him.

" She did have the perfect face and the soft brown hair, Louis. She had that cute little nose like yours. She was perfect just like you. She was small and dainty and so delicate and soft, Louis. She was biologically mine, but she resembled you more", Harry kept rambling to Louis while kissing his temple.

"I want to never leave you, baby. I need to you stay and never let go off me. I got so scared when I heard that you got in an accident, Louis. I can't lose you too. I won't ever survive if i lose you. Please, just never leave me again. I lost you once and I don't want to ever feel like that ever again.", Harry wanted a promise.

"I won't", two words were enough to cement the thousand ifs.

*********

July 25, 2018.

Juliana Rose Tomlinson-Styles.

*********

**Author's Note:**

> Thank u if you read this. Leave some kudos and comments if you liked it.


End file.
